Joke for the Day

[aRMY83]

Just Throw It In The River

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon with great expression he said,

"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile,
"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

[Webb]

New College Admissions Test.

 ______ not getting into this college.

A. Your
B. Ur
C. You're
D. U're

[Webb]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says,

"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ...........

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[aRMY83]

I think I just broke a rib reading this one Webb and a classic for sure!

[Bütch]

Mammogram A Day in Court Case

       While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I over heard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say "Your Honor, I'm guilty but..... There were extenuating circumstances."
       The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too, so I listened as the lady told her story.
       "Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and said, "Hi! I'm Bobbie Sue! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, get naked from the waist up, then put on this gown. Understand?"
       I'm thinking, "Bobbie Sue, lay off the Mountain Dews. This ain't rocket science." Bobbie Sue then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Bobbie Sue tossed me (for real) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your toes and lean in a smidgen so we can get everything?"
       OK, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and gasping air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity with my other Tit wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass, when I heard and felt a zap! Complete darkness, the power was off!
       Bobbie Sue said, "Uh-oh, dog pee'ed on the power pole again, maintenance is working on it, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.
       "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise grip alone are you?" I shouted as Bobbie Sue kept going and said, "Oh, you such a cry baby... The door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
       Before I could shout NO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Leroy, "maintenance men Extraordinaire," found me... standing on my tip-toes, half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part crushed between glass!
       After exchanging a polite Howdy, how's it going type greeting, Bubba or might of been Leroy asked, to my utter shock, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise me being pi$$ed, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yea, I did, but thanks anyway." "OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
       Two hours later, Bobbie Sue finally got back wearing a sheepish grin. making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am so sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
       And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between clamps...." The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said
"Case Dismissed!"

[Bütch]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."

[Bütch]

NASCAR is proud to present the Walmart 500 every weekend at any Walmart near you

[Webb]

Three Irishmen were sitting in the pub's window seat watching the front door of the brothel across the road.

The local Methodist pastor appeared, and quickly went inside.

"Would you look at that!" said the first Irishman.

"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"

No sooner were the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appeared at the door, knocked, and entered.

"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continued drinking their beer, roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

"Ah, now that's a sad thing," said the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died..."

[Webb]

A large group of Isis fighters in Afghanistan are moving down
a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune:
"One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters". The Isis commander
quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where a gun-battle
breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one
hundred Isis fighters." Furious, the Isis commander sends his next
best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight
commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than
one thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters
1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle
fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as
a terrible battle is fought .... Then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the
dune and with his dying words tells his commander,

"Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There's two of them!

[Webb]

Women that are a little overweight live longer than the men that tell them that they are.

[Webb]

Back on July 9th, a group of Charlotte, N.C. bikers were riding South on I-85 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby..... whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that...

And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[Webb]

Saw this sign today in the golf course clubhouse

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2. FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART
3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES

WELL DONE..

NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF...

[Bütch]

Good one

[Bütch]

Thank You and No Thank You

[Webb]

Whilst strolling round the harbor this morning about 11 am., I noticed a terrorist who slipped from the quayside and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.

Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coast Guard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Service.

It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.