Joke for the Day

[Bütch]

Spaghetti
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey,"she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,and fainted.

On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce."

[Bütch]

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down."
They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically,
I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen.
As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right.
The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:
"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice.
"Are you kidding me?" he barked,
"I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent.
Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!" 

[Webb]

[Bütch]

 
An Florida Fan and a Bama fan was in the bathroom urinatng, and the Auburn starts to leave as the Bama fan was washing his hands. Bama fan holler's out, "Hey Florida, didn't they teach you any better? To not wash your hands after urinating?" Florida fan holler's back, "They taught us Not to Piss all over selves"

Auburn Fan and a Bama walks in the bathroom at the same time, Auburn fan wash's his hands first and then walk's over to take a piss, Bama fan ask him "Are't you supposed to wash your hands afterwards?" Auburn fan says "Naw you supposed to wash your hands first, I don't know what all my hands have touched today, but I know where this Dick has been"

[Bütch]

These are old but still too funny
John West Salmon part:1



John West Salmon part 2

[Bütch]

Hey, this woman has my vote, she guarantees me Fried Chicken and Soul Food
as long as I Vote Democrat. What more can I ask for. Wait, I'm below poverty
level and can't afford Baloney, much less KFC.
Me: Bubba there's a yard bird, get the Gun
Bubba: Butch I got the Gun
Me: Click, Click Damn Bubba ya forgot to load it
Bubba: Butch I couldn't the Obama Democrats took all our Bullets
Me: When they do that
Bubba: oh back in 2016 when Ammo got outlawed as he started his 3rd term
Me: Hey get me a stick or rock while it's cornered
Bubba: Can't do that either PETA will take you to jail for violating that yard
____birds rights and Animal Abuse
Me: Well where's the jail now?
Bubba: In the back of the Walmart
Me: Walmart?
Bubba: Yea Walmart uses prisoners for Slave Labor
Me: Well do they feed us
Bubba: Yea but only the Trusty's get Fried Chicken.
Me: Bubba, just shut up and kill the Chicken
Bubba: They got the Ammo but at least they let us keep the guns

[Webb]

HER DIARY

Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.

I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today the Yankees lost, but at least I got laid.

(You can tell this is a joke because real men don't have diaries)

[Bütch]

Two Wives go out fo a girl's night out. Both got drunk, and started walking home and had to Pee along the way. They stopped at a Cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a Wreath off a grave. The next morning one Husband called the other and said "No more Girl's night out! My wife came home with no Panties on."
The other Husband said"you think that's Bad? mine came home with a card in her crack that read,
"From all of us at the Fire Station....We'll never Forget you!"

[aRMY83]

Sad Wife Story...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the
Bay of Fundy , Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two
grim-faced Mounties.

'We are sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife'
said one Mountie.

'Tell me! Did you find her?' the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, 'We have some bad
news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want
to hear first?

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, 'Give me the bad news
first.'

The Mountie said, 'I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in the bay.'

Oh my God!' exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked,
'What's the good news?'

The Mountie continued, 'When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-
five pound snow crabs and six good-size lobsters clinging to her.'

Stunned, the husband demanded, 'If that's the good news, what's the
great news?'

The Mountie said, 'We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.'

[Bütch]

[Bob]

Ouch got my belly hurting  laughing so hard and I like the folder replacement 

[Webb]

HAPPY NEW YEAR - ONE AND ALL!

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves
in the dryer for ten minutes; come out
wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group
for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

The day the world runs out of wine
is just too terrible to think about!

I don't trip over things, I do
random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management.
I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad
time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was
a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels
like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to
write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord grant me the strength to
accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the
things I can & the friends to post my bail when I
finally snap!

I don't have gray hair.
I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just
very wise.

My people skills are just
fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs
work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot,
because a restraining order is just a piece of
paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes,
he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz", which is shorter than
please. I text back "no" which is shorter than
"yes".

I like my middle finger best
because it always sticks up for me!

I'm going to retire and live
off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that
second week.

I've lost my mind and I'm
pretty sure my kids took it!

Even duct tape can't fix
stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

I like this next one -----

Why do I have to press one for
English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I
can't understand anyway?

Lord, Give me patience and give it
to me NOW.

Of course I talk to myself,
sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into
a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which
is a tree ... That makes it a plant which means ...
chocolate is Salad.

[Bütch]

Good one, Never mind tomorrow I'll still be laughing never mind I won't know why

[aRMY83]

Their all great Webb but I do have a favorite one:

"Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves
in the dryer for ten minutes; come out
wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!"

p.s. if you don't mind, I'd like to copy all of them and post over at my site if that's okay with you?

[Webb]

Fine with me.