Joke for the Day

[Webb]

[Webb]

Gun control means using both hands

[Webb]

Flyswatter in hand, her husband obviously hunting for flies, she asked, "Killed any?"

"Yep," he replied, "three males and two females."

"Three males and two females..." she queried, "how do you know that?"

"Because," he informed, "three were on a beer can and two were on the phone."

[Bütch]

Good one Jim

[aRMY83]

I second that Jim...

[Webb]

[Bütch]

Men's Logic

A woman was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her husband walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.

Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house while she labored away on the weeds, she snapped, "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Pretend I'm out of town, go inside and make dinner yourself!"

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall beer.

His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked, "Where's my dinner?"

Huh? I thought you were out of town

[Bütch]

Blonde Joke, this one has to be one of the best -- because it makes football make sense!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

[Bütch]

     Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double panel, energy efficient kind.

     Today I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

     HHHHelloooo? just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am Automatically stupid. So I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year....That these windows would pay for them selves in a year.

     HHHHelloooo? It's been a year now so they are paid for, I told him. There was silence on the other end, so I finally hung up. He never called back.

     I bet he felt like an idiot

[Bütch]

Old people having Fun

The other day My wife and me went into town to do some shopping.

When we came out a cop was writing out a parking ticket. I asked him "Come on man, how about giving a Senior Citizen a break?"

He ignored us and kept writing. So I called him a jerk. He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn out tires.

So my wife called him a Bastard. He finished writing that ticket and put both on the windshield. Then started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more we protested the more he wrote.

Our bus arrived, we got on it and went home. We always look for cars with Hillary or Obama bumper stickers.

[Bütch]

    A married woman walked in a Drug store, looked the Pharmacist straight in the eyes and said "I want to buy Fast Killing Poison For Humans". The confused Pharmacist asked her Why? What for? Lady said "I'm gonna poison my husband". The Pharmacist shouts Absolutely Not! It's a sin. It's against the law. The lady reachs in her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the Pharmacist wife. The Pharmacist looks at the picture and says. "Yes Ma'am, why didn't you tell me you had a Prescription"

[Bütch]

    Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
    The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[Bütch]

A doctor from France says: “In France, the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

A German doctor comments quietly: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says boasting: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor laughs and answers loudly immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 7 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole damn country is looking for work."

[Webb]

Joke for the day (September 11).

What was the last thing that went through Osama Bin Laden's head when saw the SEALs?

Three rounds from a HK416 assault rifle.

[Bütch]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?”

Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood grandma’s minister.

The minister said, “Hello, Son, is your grandma home?”

The little boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”

The minister fainted