Joke for the Day

[aRMY83]

Oh this is a good one Webb and thanks for sharing.

[Bütch]

[Webb]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive young woman waving at him.

She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your girlfriend whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[Webb]

The Fortune Teller

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the wife stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing.

She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

[Webb]

The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy. When I got there, I
went straight back to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists'
Counter is located and took out my little brown bottle along with a
teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The Pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me, and
picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and
swilled it around.

Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit out on the floor
and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked,
"Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look
in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"

So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to
get my urine tested for sugar!"

[Webb]

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated
Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So
she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest
and chant, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement
she grew to a terrific D-cup rack! One morning when she was running
late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten
her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the
little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus,
closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger
boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Are you a patient of Dr. Bumbutu?'

'Yes I am... How did you know?'

He winked and whispered,

'Hickory dickory dock .... '

[Webb]

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.. “Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt”, the golfer mumbles to himself..

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?”

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the Golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, “Sure,” and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like To get an eagle on this one.”

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”

Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay.” And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?” “Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along side him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m Satan, and from this day forward you will have No sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” the golfer replies, “I’m Father O’Malley.”

[Webb]

A friend who just returned from a visit to the looted CVS in Baltimore said all that was left was suntan lotion and Father's Day cards......

[Webb]

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, 'I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. But I can only grant one.'

The man thought for a while and finally said, 'I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.

The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, 'No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the pillars needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask.'

The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, 'Well, there is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick.'

The genie considered for a few moments and said, 'So, do you want two lanes or four?'

[Webb]

A Scotsman moves to the US and soon he attends his first baseball game.

The first batter approaches the batter's box takes a few swings and then hits a double.

Everyone is on their feet screaming, "RUN!!!"

The next batter hits a single.

The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers, "RUN!!!, RUN!!!"

The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begin screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by.

The Umpire calls, "Walk!"

The batter starts his slow trot to first base.

The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, RUN!!!"

The people around him begin laughing.

Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.

A friendly fan notices the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run...he has four balls."

The Scot immediately stands up and screams as loud as he can: "Walk with pride, Laddie!!!"

[Bütch]

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex,
Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

[Bütch]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price.

[Bütch]

Bob is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home.
Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Bob turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?''
"Sex" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Bob says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Bob's thingie.
Then one night Bob didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was
O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Bob's little whatsit.
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Bob smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"

[Bütch]

How to Prepare Tofu

[Bütch]